


Avengers: Infinity Dick Wars

by Greach



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Adoption, Age Difference, Angst, Avengers Family, Betrayal, Birthday Party, Birthday Sex, Character Death, Comedy, Competition, Consensual Kink, Daddy Kink, Dick Jokes, Dom/sub, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Ejaculate, Everyone Is Gay, Funny, Gay, Gay Sex, Jealousy, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Marvel Universe, Minecraft, Multi, Necrophilia, Partner Betrayal, Partner Swapping, Peter Parker Has a Family, Pineapples, Pizza, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Read if you want to laugh, Sex Toys, Size Difference, Size Kink, Slushies, Taco Bell, Teasing, Virginity, Weird Plot Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-09-17 11:03:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16973403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greach/pseuds/Greach
Summary: (Read if you forgot to laugh today)A serious of oneshotsSpiderman is turning 18! Papa stark and Captain America want to throw a special birthday party for him. What happens when they catch a certain someone teaching spiderman to become and adult  before them.





	1. Happy Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when friends write together.

Characters

Tony-Dirty Talk and into machines 

Steve- The supporter (All American Franks)

Peter the Pansexual Parker (but legal)-- The inexperienced one with the second biggest cock (twinkman) and will literally do it with anyone (especially papa Stark)

Thor-Rough, massive D compared peter quill

Loki--Kinky and dead for the necrophiliacs

T’Challa- Narrates everything

Bruce Banner- embarrassed Due to his inability to “Get it up”Ehulktile Dysfunction

Drax- Stupid and also dumb

Groot (but legal)--water kink

Rocket- because he’s just a furry

Peter Quill (the of age one)-- The one who brags about having a big dick but its not that big. That also manages to do most of the screwing with his lil’ dick

Thanos- Mr. Fister

Feat. Dr. Strange- Has millions of incomprehensible kinks, but whatevs

  
  


Rocket was taking a massive shit in his litter box, when suddenly Steve walked in on him. Rocket screamed and stepped in his shit, “What the fuck man!”. Steve eyes were on fire, and he started to cry like a little bitch. From the other room, Tony heard pussy-ass sobs and kicked the door down like Chuck Norris. “ Who made Steve fucking cry again?!”. Rocket looked at Tony and flipped him off, and then threw a piece of his shit at Tony's face. Tony growled and moved the shit from his face and into his mouth, “Calm the fuck down! We have to prepare for Peter’s 18th birthday party you hairy little pube.”. Rocket pulled up his pants and ran away; he didn't give a fuck about that little spider twink boy. 

Steve wiped his tears and pressed his firm hand on Tony’s face, “can I come to the party?” Tony smiled at his gay ass boyfriend. “Of course you can, you silly little bitch.” Steve squealed like Captain Canada and scratched his head, “Where is our twink child anyway?”

“What's up, fuckers!?” Peter Parker the twink swung through the window and dropped his slurpee from 7/11 onto Tony's new suit. Tony spanked Peter’s perky ass, “Dammit what have I said about using that fuckin language! You’re not an adult until after your “fucking” party!” Tony tried washing the slurpee off, but it just made it glisten off his new super suit. Steve nodded at Tony. “That's right, you can't do shit until we say so. We're your gay dads.” 

Peter yelled at both of them and then went into his room to jack off to vocaloid hentai. Steve sighed and crossed his arms across his puffy chest, “ What are we going to do about our baby twinky, he's growing up but he doesn't know how to be an adult.” Tony smiled and put his hand on Steve's shoulder--in a gay way. “It's okay babe, we'll teach him how to be a real man at the party tonight. ;)” Steve looked scared. “How the fuck did you say that with your mouth?” Tony laughed like a bitch and walked away to stick is hand into the toaster. Steve whimpered like a bitch and chased after Tony, “Wait my love, we’re not having Thor join in right, he's a bit big for Peter’s gentle- baby frame.” From across the room, Starlord jumped in with his freshly moisturized hands curled into a fist, “Da-fuck you just say? Thor’s not that big, have you seen mine? It’s so massive that people need stitches after a night with me. Thor, does steroids so he has a dick the size of a tic-tac.”

Steve laughed. “Lol yeah right, I sucked Thor's dick once and I lost three teeth. I had to get that shit replaced.” Tony looked pissed. “What the fuck is wrong with you, you cheating bitch!?” Steve smiled. “It's okay tho, I said no homo before and after.” Tony folded his arms. “Oh yeah that's cool then.” 

A ding dong rung at the door and Thor and Loki jumped in with a bottle of champagne and fluffy, green handcuffs. Thor smiled and placed the bottle on the table, “What-up bitches! Well that’s what they say on Earth. Where’s the baby boy, I hope I’m not too much for him...wait you haven’t told him yet right? Cuz I caught him jerking off to the weird Japanese Anime stuff.” Loki pulled out a small bag that he was hiding in his ass. “Look, I brought some of my stuff too!” Steve and Tony looked in the bag--there were 5 dildos, 3 butt plugs, and a candy bar. Tony grabbed the candy bar from the bag and ate it in one bite like the fat ass he is. 

Starlord stood in the corner annoyed like he was Caillou. “Helloooo I thought we were talking about my massive dong, we need to talk about slowly stretching the child out...mmm Thor you can start cuz you have basically nothing to work with.” Thor bitch slapped Starlord, but on the ass. “What the fuck man? Why did you slap my ass?” Thor laughed. “Lol I do that to everyone, you're not special bitch.” Tony laughed too. Steve felt left out so he slapped Thor's ass. “Woah there calm down Captain Twink! Only Loki is allowed to do that.” 

Suddenly another Ding Dong rang and out popped Groot, T’Challa, Bruce, and Drax. T’Challa stepped in with a wrapped gift and stared at the decorated room. “We walk through door now, and greet other guest out of respect.” Groot growled, “I’m groot.” (Does he even know English???”) Drax rubbed his hard-ass nipples and crossed his arms. “Where is the baby boy! Is he crying like a bitch again?” Bruce sighed and looked at Tony, “ Do you need someone to talk to your kid cuz you kinda suck at parenting.” Peter the twink peeked his head out of his room. “Yeah you do kinda suck at being a dad, momdad, dad.”

Tony yelled at Peter and started to order pizza from Pizza Hut on the phone. “Hey fuck you too kid, I wanted to raise you and stuff but I guess I'll just let Thor destroy your butthole and leave you to the coyotes.” Peter looked confused and ran upstairs crying. Loki shook his head and dashed into his room. Inside he saw a ton of poorly drawn yaoi that Peter posted on his deviantart. He sat beside the child and his waifu pillow and rubbed his shoulders. “You know, I have daddy issues too. Do you need to vent like you do on that Instagram thing?” Peter looked at Loki and hugged him. “Thank you Mr. Loki, it means a lot. Are you gay?” Loki smiled, and put his hand on Peter's thigh, right next to his dick. “Dear boy, I was the gayest man in Asgard, and I am also the gayest man on this puny little planet you call home. Do you want to be gay with me?” 

Peter blushed and looked into Loki’s deep green eyes. “Don’t tell my father, but I trust you and I think I'm ready. Will you guide me?” Peter stuttered and pressed his chest against Loki’s and brushed his lips against his neck. Loki instantly got a boner. He smirked and put his hand down Peter's pants. “Yes, I will guide you, spider twink.” Loki started to jack Peter off with one hand, and grabbed his ass with the other. Peter whimpered and undid the buttons on Loki’s shirt. “I- I want your lips on my neck. Ple- please, it is my birthday you know. But um don't be too rough with me ok?” Loki nodded, “Of course.” But we all know he's fuckin lying. He hates vanilla, especially vanilla ice cream.  

Loki ripped Peter's pants off and ripped off his shirt too. “Mr. Loki, I-I thought you said you were going to go easy on me?” Loki smiled and started to finger Peter's ass. “Lol I was lying, I do that a lot don't worry about it.” Peter moaned and pulled Loki towards his lips and made out like he was in a porno.

T’Challa’s ear twitched. “A young sapling is blossoming.” Starlord rolled his eyes and tried to avoid staring at Thor, “You know I can write better poetry.” Thor shook his head, “That's not even poetry you dumbass.”

_ “Ow don't bite so hard.”  _  They heard faintly from upstairs. Steve's dad senses were tingling. “Omg, I think our baby Peter is in trouble! Everyone follow me!” Steve ran like a bitch up the stairs, and everyone followed. He flung Peter's door open, and he saw Loki fucking Peter in the ass. Loki smiled. “Lol you're too late, I already stole his virginity! It's mine bitches!” Thor looked pissed. “Brother how dare you! You know the fathers are supposed to steal it from him! It is tradition!”

Tony growled and forcefully yanked Loki’s dicks out of Peter's baby butthole. “Loki! How could you! I’ve been waiting for this moment for 18 years!” Tony wrapped his hands around Loki’s neck and squeezed. Loki gasped for air and reached out to Thor. “Brother, help me!” Thor shook his head. “You broke tradition, brother. I cannot help you now. You must suffer the consequences.” Loki's face turned blue, and he let out a last breath before looking at Tony and saying, “Eat ass smoke grass.” Then Loki died. 

Peter screamed and tears trickled down his baby cheeks. “How could you father! He was taking care of me! You know what, fuck you I never wanna see you again. Goodbye Tony!” Peter looked at Steve in tears and gave him a tight hug after pulling up his pants. “ I’ll miss you father.”  He swung out of the room and vanished. T’Challa shook his head, “Here we have the baby lion, abandoning his clan.” Starlord scoffed. “Dude shut the fuck up, no one even knows what you're saying.” T’Challa gave Starlord the bitch face. Everybody gasped. “How dare you, I am the king of--” Thor swiftly smacked T’Challa down with his hammer. “Bitches get stitches!” Everyone laughed, but then Tony and Steve started crying because their baby boy was gone. Bruce looked at Steve and Tony. “So are we not going to have the party, or...I mean we don't have anyone to put our dicks in.” 

Thor shook his head and dropped his hammer on Bruce’s foot. “You are an asshole you know that! My brother just died and a baby boy is missing, we must find him and finish the sacred ritual.” T’Challa nodded, “The termites must make their way back to the queen.” Tony nodded. “He's right, we need to find Peter! Let's go look for him at Barnes and Noble! He always goes there to read that gay anime shit.” Steve smiled. “You're right honey! Let's go!” Rocket walked in and took a shit on Thor's hammer. “What the fuck are you doing, rabbit! That shit’s Gucci!” 

The rabbit pissed and scratched his ear. “It’s payment you fat mustard cow, that Peter kid hit his head and fell in the pool. He’s probably drowning by now.” 

“I’m Groot. (Fuck ya fuckin in the water!) “Watch your mouth twig dick!” yelled Starlord. Steve screamed. “Nooo my baby boy!! We need to go help him!” Thor smiled. “I shall help you get the twink back to you safely! Let us go!” Tony nodded. “Let's go now, before it's too late!” Bruce sat in the corner, texting on his phone. “Yeah I'll uh, stay here. I'm playing Minecraft.” Starlord rolled his eyes. “Dude, I have so much cool stuff in Minecraft, I have the diamond sword and everything. I even made a mod to make my character have a big dick. Ya know, because I have a big dick.” 

Thor gagged like that one time he sucked Loki’s dick during a wedding, “Yup they’re fucking virgins. Oh fuck we gotta save the kid.” He wrapped his fingers around his hammer like it was a big wee wee and ran to the pool. There he saw spider baby floating in the hot-tub. He jumped off of the diving board and pulled Peter’s wet body onto the grass. He started doing CPR you know the stuff that's on TV. “Come on bitch wake up!” He pressed his lips on Peter’s and blew godly air into his lungs. 

Peter coughed up a bunch of water and weakly brushed his fingers through Thor’s lockes. “I want you…” he said, still kinda out of it. You know because he almost fucking drowned and his fuck buddy died. Thor smiled and sighed in relief. “I want you too, spider boy, but your (not dead) parents are worried about you. Let us go back to them and let them know you are safe.” Peter slowly nodded. “Okay...let's go.” Thor flew back to everyone, with Peter in his strong, manly arms. Peter imagined Thor choking him and it turned him on. Thor’s ding dong wiggled, he wanted to claim Peter as his own, but he doesn't want to die. He gently placed Peter on the couch and “accidentally” brushed his fingers against Peter’s chest. “He’s okay, I saved his life. Tony, I believe I should be rewarded.” T’Challa crossed his arms and stared at a nude painting of Steve made by the Walt Disney Corporation when they bought Marvel “The alpha wolf desire to claim the submissive wolf from another clan.” Steve and Tony rushed over to Peter, and kissed him on the forehead. “We're so happy you're okay, Peter!” Tony looked away, and clenched his fists. “Peter, I'm sorry I was a dick to you earlier. Also sorry I killed your brother, Thor. We good?” Thor squinted at Tony, and then smiled. “Yes. We good. One condition.” Tony smiled back. “What is it? Anything for you.” Thor smiled like an evil little bitch. “Let me claim your son as my own.” 

Tony growled and punched Thor’s jaw. “Fuck no! He’s my baby! Get your own.!” T’Challa sighed, “Big gorilla cant give away baby gorilla to a bigger gorilla.” Peter suddenly sat up and brushed his hand against Thor’s pants. “Father, and Tony as a new adult I get to choose who claims me. Thor is the only normal and interesting one here. And I think I could talk him into some kinky shit. Everyone else is weird. Fuckin Groot and Rocket arnt even human, you and Tony are my dads, T’Challa’s kinda annoying, Drax has tats and i'm not into that shit, and Chris Prattstarlord and Bruce probably can’t deliver even if their lives depended on it.” Peter smiled at Thor and rested his head on his chest. Thor started to tear up, and he held Peter's tiny little hand. “I choose you, Pikachu.” 

Tony blinked. “What the fuck did you say that for?” Thor looked confused. “I heard someone say it once so I thought it would sound cooler if I said it.” Starlord nodded. “Pokemon is the shit, bro. Pound it.” Thor tried to give a brofist to Starlord but he accidentally hit him too hard and he flew out the window all the way to Sweden to actually brofist pewdiepie. Peter gazed deeply into Thor's eyes, and pulled him close to his face. “So are we gonna bang or what?” 

“Ah hell ya!” said Peter. Tony slapped the baby and kicked Thor. “If anyone is banging Peter it’s gonna be me. So why don’t you fuck off you rejected Disney princess!” Thor frowned and flipped Tony off. “Say that one more time and I'll rip off your balls and shove them down your gay boyfriend's throat. No offense Steve.” Steve smiled. “None taken lol.” Peter got in between Thor and Tony. “Come on guys, it's my birthday! Can we not fight and just be gay instead?” Thor nodded. “I agree with the young spider twink. Let's have fun ;)”. Starlord shrugged. “Ehhh what's up doc?” Drax came out of the hole he was hiding in and bitch slapped Starlord’s ass. 

Starlord squealed like that lil bill kid on TV. “Whoa slow down it’s Peter’s day you fuck boy.” Thor held Peter in his arms and glared at Tony. “We still haven’t decided who keeps the twink.” Tony rolled his eyes and dumped the litter box on rocket, “Fine we will have a fucking competition, who ever satisfies Peter the most gets to keep him. T’Challa smirked like a perv, “The two boars must compete to decide who gets to mate. Dammit I want in!” Starlord started sweating, because he knew T’Challa’s Ghiradelli dick was way bigger than his. Peter ran up to his room upstairs and came back with his spider suit in his arms. “How about we all fuck each other in our costumes? That's way hotter lol.” Rocket shook his head, and went to the door to get the pizza they delivered forever ago. “Who the FUCK ordered Hawaiian pizza?! What kind of bitch likes pineapples on pizza?!” Thor looked offended. “Excuse me rabbit, but I happen to like pineapples on pizza. Do you have a problem bitch?”-(Thor is Fruitgirl confirmed) Rocket almost pissed himself. “Uhhh no, I'll just go get some fuckin panda express. Fuck you guys.” He jumped out of the window and landed on top of an old man. He died. 

Everyone got into an argument, this all started because half of them were team Jacob. Peter crossed his arms and looked annoyed, he suddenly smirked and sprawled himself across the couch like one of those French girls. “Well who’s gonna take me first. ;D my wee wee is almost hard.” Steve and Tony looked at each other. “Well since I'm more of a manly kind of guy I'll go first, Steve. You know since you're kind of a man milf.” Steve slapped Tony across the face. “What the heck man, I have bigger muscles than you! I'm going first!” Peter spread his buttcheeks. “Come get it big boy.” Steve started fucking Peter and everyone watched. T’Challa was writing down notes in his journal. Thor started at Peter's ass because he wanted to tap it. 

Peter’s cheeks grew pink, “Oh daddy.” He looked at Thor and rubbed his chest, trying to seduce him. Starlord sat on the couch and cover his crotch with a pillow. “You know, Thor’s just an old man, you need someone agile and hip like me bitch.” said Starlord. Bruce stayed in the kitchen and watched minecraft porn on his cellphone, “Stick that fuckin pick axe in him Steve!” Drax looked at Bruce. “Dude shut the fuck up like no one cares.” Bruce pouted and hid behind his phone. After fucking Peter for about 10 minutes Steve ejaculated on Peter's face. Thor was pissed. “What the hell man I wanted to do that!” Steve laughed. “Lol you snooze you lose.” Tony pushed Steve out of the way, and whipped out his medium sized dick. Not as big as Thor, but it was still okay. Tony started fucking Peter too fast and he ejaculated in like 30 seconds inside Peter's butthole. “What the heck dad?! That's gay!” Tony looked confused. “But you ARE gay. Shut up and eat your vegetables, kid.” 

“Wow dad that was mediocre.” Peter kicked Tony off and Thor pounced on him like a cat. He shoved his massive dong inside of Peter until he cried. “Hush lil baby don't say a word. Daddys gonna fuck you around the whole wide world.”

Starlord rolled his eyes, “See it’s puny!” T’Challa started jacking off, “ Premature monkey jealous of big king monkey.” Groot giggled “I’m groot.” (Haha he’s got a baby dick!) Starlord growled, “Oh ya twig dick, mine is way bigger than yours!” Groot shook his head and his dick grew by six inches, but it was still smaller than Thor’s. Peter yelped like a puppy, “Harder!” Thor fucked Peter so hard that the couch they were fucking on broke. “You bitch, that shit was Gucci!” Tony yelled. Peter and Thor ejaculated at the same time because they're gay like that. “You are so beautiful, spider boy. I want to make you my wife.” Peter blushed and scratched his head. “Oh that would be so sick! Let's get married!” Steve smiled. “That's a great idea, then you can be Thor's personal stipper for life and we can be rich!” Thor looked confused. “Yeah but my people are dead so I don't have any more money, I'm a broke ass bitch.” Starlord smirked. “Yeah you're broke and you have a small dick.” Thor turned around. “What the fuck did you just say to me, you little bitch?” 

“I said you have a small dick!” While the two of them were fighting, T’Challa made Peter ride him. “Your hips must move like wind!” Peter squeaked like a mouse and T’Challa shook his head. “You are not a mouse, you must roar like panther while you ride my black panther ;)” Peter screamed and pressed his hands on T’Challa’s chest. Drax was recording videos for his Snapchat in the background. T’Challa roared like a panther and dug his fingers into Peter's back. Peter yelped. “Ouch, that hurts Mr. T’Challa!” Thor squinted his eyes at T’Challa and crossed his arms. “You better not hurt the boy again, black panther man. Or else I'll knock your dick off with my mighty hammer.” Tony laughed like a bitch.  

T’Challa held his hands up and pushed Peter off of him, “A smart bear will not mess with another bear’s cub.” as he pulled out he accidentally ejaculated on Thor’s chest. Starlord laughed like a bitch and shoved him out of the way. “Haha the vanilla cake got a bit too much icing. Now it’s my turn Spider bitch, prepare to be dazzled.” He climbed behind Peter and shoved his chode into him. Peter yawned, “Okay how long are you gonna wait until you stick it in.” Groot started laughing, “I’m Groot” (Haha spider bitch cant feel the tic tac) he said as he approached him with his wooden dick. Groot bitch slapped Starlord with one of his long branch-like arms. Starlord started to cry like a little bitch. Groot stuck his wooden dick into Peter's ass, and Peter yelled. “Ow, you're giving me a bunch of splinters!” Groot laughed and kept fucking him. “I am Groot.” (Shut the fuck up and take it like a man you little bitch.) Thor grabbed onto Groot’s shoulder. Thor snapped Groot’s dick off and climbed back on Peter “You’re mine!” 

Suddenly Dr. Strange kicked the door down. “Sorry I’m late, but I got you a pre- wait is this a fucking party?! And I missed it!” He suddenly smirked and did his weird voodoo shit and turned back time.

 

The End?

To Be Continued in Prequel: What is Right and Wong?

 

“Like a Bitch Counter”: I lost count

 


	2. The Iron Giant

Once upon a fucking great night. Papa Stark said it was chill for Peter have one of dem slumber parties. Not the gay ones though. Peter Parker lined his Capri suns on the countertop and threw some cheetos at the tv. Until he suddenly heard a ding dong.

“OMG My kawaii friends are here.” squealed Peter. As he ran to the door he tripped on his onesie and cracked his tooth. It was okay, Papa Stark is rich. After he finished crying like caillou he opened the door and saw Loki; who liked to be chokey.

“Loki, at your service.” said Loki-san. Peter smiled and hugged Loki, and squeezed his ass a little bit. You know, because every person in this story is basically hella gay. Bruce Banner was standing behind Loki, carrying his laptop and wearing a minecraft creeper onesie, and he smelled like doritos. Peter smiled, and waved at him. 

“Come on in (in me) guys, I have a shit load of Capri suns on the counter, this is gonna be epic!” Bruce snorted, and entered the house.

“You better have a good internet connection here, me and my friends are going to go mining for some diamonds tonight.” Bruce sat on the couch and turned on his laptop, and started playing Minecraft immediately. 

So like, two seconds later Starlord came in and so did that hunk of meat, Thor. Peter squealed and ran to squeeze Thor’s big biceps. Loki was starting to get jealous. Peter dragged everyone to the living room by their dicks. “So my daddies are out getting drunk as fuck! So we can do anything...and I MEAN ANYTHING.” 

Loki scratched his blue balls and an evil smirk was on his face. “Let’s tell ghost stories.” Loki wanted to make Thor piss his pants, that way he could claim the spiderbitch. “So you know your neighbor, Thanos. Legend has it that he likes em big, he likes em chunky, he likes em round.” 

Thor looked at Loki, and hid under a blanket. “No, don’t let him near me! I heard that he sneaks into people’s houses at night and eats their ass!” Loki started to laugh, and Peter stared out the window. He saw Mr. Thanos mowing his lawn, even though it was like, 11 pm. 

“What a fucking weirdo. Omg guys you know what we should do!? We should take some shots!” Peter ran upstairs, and broke the lock on the alcohol cupboard. He grabbed a random bottle and ran back downstairs. “Aight bois, we gonna drink dis shit. Who wants to go first?”

Starlord ran over and grabbed the bottle from Peter’s hands, and immediately started chugging. 

Thor started to cheer him on. “Yaaaas bitch! Drink that shit!” Starlord finished half of the bottle, until his stomach started feeling really weird. 

“Uh, guys, I don’t feel so good. I think I’m gonna--” Before he could finish his sentence, Starlord shat all over himself. You could smell the shit from 50 miles away. Thanos poked his head through an open window and yelled.

“What the FUCK is that smell? WHO THE FUCK SHIT ALL OVER THE GODDAMN FLOOR!? I’M JUST A BIG BOI TRYING TO MOW MY FUCKNG LAWN AND ALL YOU BITCHES DO IS SHIT YOUR PANTS! I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!” After yelling for a solid 5 minutes, Thanos took a shit in Tony’s brand new pool. “That’ll show you fuckers never to take a shit near me ever AGAIN.” 

Peter started to cry like a bitch, “Guys i think we should uhh lock the doors or Mr.Thanos with eat the shit out of our asses!”

Starlord changed into his MLP onesie and threw his shit filled pants at Bruce. The shit was so bad the Minecraft deleted itself off of the computer. “NONONONNONONO FUCK SHIT I JUST FOUND COAL NOOOO!” Bruce cried and called the police. “Hello Operator, get me a cop now!!!!” 

Starlord kicked him and shat on Bruce. “Hey minecraft ass, chill out n shit. Lets watch a movie.” Starlord looked at Tony’s awesome DVD collection and saw a dvd called  _ The Iron Giant. _ “Hell ya! Your dads’ have this movie, omg it is soo cool i once wrote an mlp crossover with this fuckin movie. Hmm the cover art is different, why does it look torrented. Fucking white people are so cheap they don't even buy the dvd.”

Peter tilted his head. “Um… you are indeed a white too. But hey let's watch the movie.” Peter took the dvd and put into their off brand dvd player.

On the screen he saw his other dad, Steve laying on the bed. This was back in the day when he wanted to have a perm. Suddenly Tony popped up on screen and smirked “Hey Steve, you ready for my Iron Giant?” Tony took off his suit, except the dick part and shoved his Iron Giant into Steve’s hemorrhoid filled ass. Everyone watched in horror as Tony shoved his Iron Giant into Steve’s sweet little ass over and over. Peter started to get a boner but he didn’t want anyone to see so he shot some webs over his 

dick to hold it down. It hurt like a bitch, but it did the trick. Suddenly, Peter heard the front door open, and he saw Tony, Steve, T’Challa, Doctor Strange, and Happy all stumble inside, drunk as fuck. Thor almost shit his pants, and threw Mjolnir at the tv with full force, shattering the screen.

Tony screamed. “Why would you do that to my precious creation? That was a 2080p flat screen ultra 3D HD TV!” 

Loki yawned, while he scrolled through Instagram and looked at guys’ asses. “Oh we were just watching a shitty recording of you sticking your dick in gay ass Captain America over there. Peter’s the one who put it on, he’s into some freaky shit.”

Tony turned red with anger, he almost had an aneurysm “YOU WHAT!? THOSE ARE MY GAY SECRETS YOU FUCKING LIL BITCH.” Tony slapped Peter so hard that he knocked him out and sent him flying into the swimming pool...he started to sink.

Loki smirked and and sprawled across the couch like a French Girl. “Oh, dear you know i could be the one to punish him. I could whip him a few times ;)”

Tony growled and suddenly a ding dong came to the door. He spun around in his Kinky Boots and opened the fucking door, Jeepers Creepers it was the cop! The cop strutted in and threw off his glasses. “I uh, hear there was a disturbance.” Oh boy it was Mr. Hawkeye. He pulled out his iPhone 3 and played some Adam Lambert and did the stripper thing.

Starlord glared at Bruce “YOU CALLED A FUCKING STRIPPER COP?!?!? Still...I bet my dick is bigger than his. His only looks big because he doesn't shave his pubes.”

The music got so loud that Mr.Thanos couldn't practice his clarinet. Thanos broke the front door down and screamed. “WHY THE FUCK ARE YALL BEING SO DAMN LOUD? ALSO I SAW THAT LITTLE SPIDER TWINK FLOATING FACE DOWN IN THE SWIMMING POOL, I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD. SO GO FUCKING HELP YOUR GAY LITTLE FRIEND SO I CAN GET SOME FUCKIN SLEEP. I’M GONNA CLAP SOMEONE’S ASSCHEEKS IF I HEAR ANY MORE SCREAMING COMING FROM THE HOUSE.” Mr. Thanos jumped out the window and did a backflip into his backyard.

Tony freaked out and ran out to the pool with Steve to save Peter. They pulled him from out of the water, and gave him CPR. Peter spat out some water and then opened his eyes. “Umm...Mr. Stark? I accidentally peed in the pool.” 

Tony smiled, and hugged Peter. “You smell like shit, but I’m glad you’re not dead you little twink.” Suddenly, peter froze. He glanced at everyone in the room and then darkness plagued his heart. He shoved Tony off of hims and slapped him.

“No, you know what. FUCK YOU. You tried to fucking kill me… you slapped your own son and left me. FUCK you are supposed be there for me but you are never proud of me. I already lost my parents once...i didn't think I'd lose my new parents. SO you know what im gonna do?! I'M GONNA BE  MOVING IN WITH MR.THANOS AND I WILL LET HIM TEAR YOUR PRECIOUS BABY BOY’S ASS. fuck you, none of yall care for me, not Thor, Steve, Loki, T'challa, Dr STrange, or anyone! You didn’t care that i was dying until Mr Thanos came in. I BET YOU WERE AFRAID HE'D CALL A REAL COP ON Y'ALL… BECAUSE HE IS A REAL MAN, A REAL PURPLE MAN. FUCK YOU, OH AND BTW I'M NOT MARRYING ANY OF MY FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH YOU WANT TO PICK MY HUSBANDO. FUCK YOU” Peter flipped them off and started crying...again. The lil bitch webbed away and broke into Mr.Thanos’s window. Leaving the other bois to rot in guilt.

Thanos was sitting on the toilet, reading How To Eat Ass 101, paperback edition. Suddenly, he heard a loud crashing noise in his living room. This made him shoot out the little piece of shit left in his ass because he had been constipated for 2 hours. He ran out into the living room with his pants still around his ankles. “Alright, who the FUCK wants to get their ass eaten?” He saw the little twink Peter Parker laying on the floor, pulling glass out of his arm. Peter looked up, and saw Thanos massive purple eggplant swinging around in the air. 

“Holy shit, Mr. Thanos, that’s one big ass eggplant! It’s as big as my arm!” Peter stood up, and removed the rest of the broken glass pieces sticking out of his arms. 

Thanos squinted, and rubbed his big ass Homer Simpson lookin ass chin. “Hmmm...you know, if you want, we could go into my bedroom, and make ‘eggplant salad’.” 

Peter smiled and jumped into Thanos’s big meaty claws. “Oh yes Mr Thanos! Salad is good for my diet… my daddies have been depriving me from it. Thanos smirked and carried off the twink...the made...salad…

Meanwhile back at Tony’s house. All this shits were arguing about who will marry Peter. Thor growled and puffed out his chest “I should be me because I could smash his balls with my hammer! He would become the god of kink!”

Loki shook his head and yelled, “Actually I am the god of Kink! I should marry him because uhhhhh I LIKE HIM MORE.”

Bruce said, “NO I SHOULD MARRY HIM BECAUSE I COULD TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY MINECRAFT!”

Starlord argued “OH YA? WELL MY SHITS ARE BIGGER THAN ALL OF Y’ALL CONSTIPATED ASSES.”

T’Challa dug in his kitty litter as he said. “The king lion, must choose his mate. As king lion i must mate with my queen...Peter.”

Dr.Strange shook his head “No i'm smart and I will win his heart.”

Hawkeye, got tired of this shit and left to TGI Fridays.

 

Steve sobbed, “I just want my baby boy back!”

Tony screamed, “FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOU ALL SUCK DIRT DICKS!!” 

Suddenly, Happy stepped on the coffee table, but the coffee table broke because he is too phat. “Will you all shut the fuck up?!?! Peter is locked away in a tower, guarded by the purple shrek. Instead of arguing we should be there for him, he's been abandoned too much in his fucking life.”

Tony sighed “I guess you are right. Fine, the one who save him will get to marry him...except for Bruce. Happy clean up this shit, the rest of y’all better bring my boi back!”

Loki, Thor, T’Challa, Dr. Strange, Bruce, and Starlord snuck into Thanos’ house through the back door. They could hear Thanos and Peter from another room, but when Loki tried to pick the lock to the door, he noticed that it was sealed with some magic. 

Bruce tapped Loki on the shoulder. “We can’t open the door yet, we need to get the boss key before entering the dungeon, unless you want all of us to get our asses eaten for eternity. That is the worst fate known to mankind.” 

Thor rolled his eyes, and threw his hammer at the bedroom door, but it bounced off of the magical barrier and hit him in his balls. Loki laughed. Dr. Strange looked around the living room to find hidden treasure chests that might have the boss key. Dr. Strange was into hot yaoi visual novels, but he knew how RPGs worked, because Tony would never shut the fuck up about The Legend of Zelda, and how hot Link was. Bruce was depressed because he wasn’t allowed to marry Peter, so he just sat in the corner and played Minecraft. 

Suddenly they heard an el moan from the bedroom. OH geez golly it was Peter! “Boy Mr.Thanos, your Dick happened to Roll a d20 for size.” 

Suddenly Starlord got an idea. “Yo! We have to roll to open the fucking door!” I’ll go first cuz my shit tastes the best.” Starlord shat on the floor and dug out his d-20 from his shit. He rolled the die and got a two “FUCK THIS GAME” his stomach started to hurt again, not because he had to shit. Suddenly his dick shrunk because he rolled a d-2. “FUCK WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?”

T'challa started laughing, “Dumb Starlord.”

Loki pinched Thor's ass. “Hmmm it was indeed a trick….I have an idea!” 

Thor shook his head and stol Loki’s idea, even though he didn't say it yet. He ran into the fridge and pulled out the clarient. He snapped the thing on his knee. suddenly, Thanos’s squidward instinct kicked in as he hear a disturbance in the universe.

Thanos kicked down his bedroom door and ran into the living room, where he saw his precious clarinet lying on the floor in two pieces. “WHO THE FUCK DESTROYED MY BABY CLARINET!? I WILL EAT ALL OF YOUR ASSES!” 

Peter ran out of the bedroom behind Thanos--he was completely naked--and had a bunch of what looked like eggplant salad pieces stuck in his hair. “Mr. Thanos, what’s wrong?” Peter realized that all of his fake friends were standing over the clarinet, like they had just committed a murder. “What the hell are you guys doing to the poor little clarinet!?” 

Thor and Loki looked at each other, and ran towards Thanos. “We won’t let you take away our bride! His twink ass belongs to us!” Loki threw his daggers at Thanos’ large purple plums, and Thor chucked his hammer at Thanos’ massive eggplant.

Thanos did a backflip and accidentally broke his back. He forgot to put on his LifeAlert necklace, so he died. Peter rushed over to him and cried.

“Mr. Thanos! NOOOOO!! You never taught me how to finish making an eggplant salad!” Peter started to cry so loud that the whole house started to shake. In a few seconds, Mr. Thanos’ house was destroyed. Peter, Loki, and Thor survived. Everyone else died. 

Peter started to cry again and he held onto his sexy asses, aka Thor and Loki. “Guys im so sorry i ran away...thank you for saving my sweet ass.”

Thor and Loki smiled and got down on a knee. Thor pulled out an onion ring and Loki pulled out cock ring and simultaneously they said, “Will you marry us?”

Peter cried like a happy bitch and and hugged uhhh their zucchinis. “Oh yes i will marry you both.” Suddenly Happy, Tony, andSteve stepped outside and watched the boy pick two husbands. They all thought, what a greedy bitch


End file.
